Today I went to the elementary school and met Connor's Kindergarten teacher. I was on a roller coaster of emotions. That school is like an extended part of my family. I've never undergone a change as big as this in my life. And it's scary. I keep looking around at things with new eyes. Things that I have seen a million times, that I took for granted last week, are now precious and I see them with my heart, not my eyes. I am all over the board emotionally.
On the one hand, I am so excited about the adventure ahead of us. Looking at houses and seeing the ocean and flying blindly into a new place, a new land, etc. is just something that was once a passion for me, it's something I loved and longed for. After children, it's alot harder to "fly by the seat of my pants" and certainly life has alot of predictability. There are so many wonderful things about my life just as it is, though, and it's hard to give some of those things up. I KNOW the school my children attend is top-notch. I know my best friend across the street will be with me at 3AM if I ask her to. I know that there are 100 people I can call on here if I need to chat or borrow a cup of milk. I have a community, in every sense of the word.
But God has shown Himself in so many little ways along this trail already. I know that He is with us. My bff's mom is moving into our house and taking care of our cat while we are gone. My other bff has offered to take our dog for us for the time we are gone. There are just 1,000 little worries that have been lifted, pointing and comforting me that we are headed in the right direction. And honestly, wherever God wanted to send us, I would like to believe I would have followed.... but in truth, I would have been kicking and screaming alot harder if He'd asked us to go to Boise. So it's not so bad to be leaving TN just in time to avoid the cold winter weather. But I will miss my favorite time of year here, the fall. I consider crisp fall days a Southerner's reward for enduring the 110 degree days of August.
So, back to the point... did I mention that I am a rambler? Anyway, I am flying out, ALONE, next week to try to find a house and school for the kids. ALONE!!!! Now don't get me wrong, there is something unbelievably enticing about the thought of a week BY MYSELF in paradise. Maybe I can read a book. Maybe I can order room service, see a movie, take a drive, not cook, not do laundry.... but I will MISS my family. I'll miss the first time Connor gets on the bus. I will miss so many things in just a few days away from them. It's amazing how it can feel like life goes by so slowly, but to realize how much happens daily in the life of your child, try not being the one to cheer them through it for a few days. And more than that, for the first time in my married life, almost the first time in my adult life, I am going to be making a major decision for our family without my husband. I'm terrified of that thought. Terrified! I am opinionated, but he is far more logical than I am, so he is very important in decision making process. And seeing Hawaii for the first time without him is a bit sad for me too. We don't have big life experiences without one another. Things are just not as sweet when we experience them alone. And I know this will be no different. I really want to have this memory with him. So there is alot of bittersweet in all of this.
No comments:
Post a Comment