Marital Dissolution

I have so much work to do on myself.  I don't know how in the world I am going to continue counseling. I don't know how I'm going to figure this out.  I had a conversation with B a couple of weeks ago that he had prayed about what to offer me, etc. The offer he had verbalized was very generous, but above that, it was thoughtful, it was the first time I felt like he has actually understood my pain and CARED for ME.  He has cared about me... cared about losing me.... realized he still loves me... realized what he lost... wished that he had done differently.  I think he even has remorse for what he did to me and my heart.  But there has not one time I have felt that his sorrow and remorse went beyond where it affected him.  When asked to give something that doesn't advantage him or advance him in the direction he wants this to go, he is incapable of doing it.  So, expecting the generous offer that he verbalized to me, I received the actual offer wherein he offered to pay me TWO years of alimony in the form of paying my house note.  He proposed reducing the proposed amount of child support based on my ability to get a job immediately (even though verbally he wants me to stay home with the kids and allow him to continue to have the flexibility he currently has.)  I don't think it really shows any concern for the well-being of the children.  I would like to offer them the transition time when Meg starts school and things can settle down a bit before they have to make the jump to me not being home, something none of them remember.  But instead, I FEEL as if he is punitively offering me something so bad as punishment for not doing what he thinks I should do.

So, here I am, once AGAIN pinned to the floor by him.  Once again here I am feeling unloved, uncared for, unworthy, discarded, and generally disregarded by the person I CHOSE to give my life and heart to.  Every photo and memory is once again painful.  He is so holier than thou.  When I get upset with him, he says things like, "I will not discuss things with you if you are going to be shaming."  He has his family all around him, in his ear, telling him how amazing he is and propping him up, just like they have ALWAYS done.  His mother can't wait to rush in and fix things for him.  His sisters all think I'm lost and have gone astray.  And my sickness is that I just keep thinking that if I explain myself enough, they will empathize with me and understand.  WOW!  I really need a meeting... I see it now.