Why do you think I'm beautiful?

I called the blog do You think I'm beautiful because right now I am going through a book by Angela Thomas by the same name.  It's a Bible study of sorts, with all sorts of Biblical proof that the King of the universe is enthralled with and fascinated by each of His children, including me.  That's a hard message to accept when you've been beaten down over time.  Of course, everyone tells you you look beautiful and that you're a beautiful person, but what REALLY matters is how am I doing with God?  Is He disappointed in me?  Because others only see what you want them to see, or what you let them see, and you can lead them to believe you are beautiful, but God sees all the good the bad and the ugly... so what about Him?  When He sees the total package, what does HE think?

I have always had these desires to be seen as beautiful, to be protected, to be cherished, to be adored, to be valued.  And I really have felt guilty about those desires for a long long time.  I felt that they were selfish, that they were frivolous, that they were not Godly.  But what I have learned in this study is that these are actually desires that God Himself put into the feminine heart.  We are CREATED to expect certain things from our mates that God Himself embodies.  Here are some examples that I want to remember.

"But do you remember that you were made feminine, wired with the desire to be seen and knonw and loved deeply?  It's okay to want what you were made for.  It's okay for you to desire to be knonw as beautiful.  It's okay to want to be Cinderella."  Page 5

Page 6, "Have you become a sensible woman with all kinds of insulation techniques?  What have you been doing to protect yourself and hide from your true heart?  What lies have you concocted to make life hurt less?"  I've told myself that these desires were frivolous and not necessary.  That I had no room to complain because I had everything I needed and more.  I felt like it was being ungrateful for my blessings in life to long for more.  I knew all along that my marriage was "sensible" and that was all I thought I deserved and that I was sinning if I wanted more or longed for something more heartfelt.


I penned a prayer to God on page 8 of this workbook.  Interestingly enough, I started this Bible study in 2007!!!!!!!  At the time, I was on top of the world.  Connor had just been born a few years before, we were in the adoption process for our daughter and it seemed that my life was about to have everything I had ever dreamed of, my vision of happiness was almost complete.  So I find it so telling that THIS is the prayer I wrote to God in 2007: "Lord, am I beautify to you?  Lord, please answer me in ways I will know it's Your Majesty.  Please send answers I can't ignore or deny.  Father, I yearn for You to speak in this way."  My heart aches when I read that because I have felt unvalued, unseen, and "ugly" for longer than I knew.  I would tell you, if I hadn't picked this book up again, that I have been a confident, happy adult.  But this prayer speaks to the truth of what was in my heart even though I didn't recognize it.

So, on December 28, 2011, I wrote down another prayer on the next page of the book.  This time, again, I prayed that God would profess His opinion of me in an undeniable way.  I asked Him to speak it to me in a way that I would be able to receive it and not deny it.  I didn't realize until last week that He has been answering that prayer for me for a little while now.  On January 1, I met a man while I was running.  It was such a pretty day and I was just out trying to get out of my head, like always.  It was about 8:30 so there weren't many people out, they were all probably recovering from the night before.  Anyway, I started my run about the same time this guy did and we started talking and ended up running 7 miles together.  We have run together many many times since then and he has quoted scripture to me about the value I have in God's Kingdom, when he texts me to make plans or schedule a run, he always starts with "Hello beautiful."  And I could not understand, at first, why this guy was so deep with me and why he was so affirming.  And of course, my radar was going off because it's my experience that guys don't affirm you unless they want something more than to know you.  But as I was reviewing all my prayers and all the stuff I've discovered in reading this book, it occurred to me that this was God telling me in an undeniable way that He has heard my prayer and He has affirmed that I am valuable to Him.  I've never had a man relay Scripture to me, never had a friend pray over me like that, and I thank God for the connection He made that morning when I was at a really low place in this journey.  It has affirmed for me that God wants me to have someone in my life who can mirror the way He loves me.  I feel confident that Joe was sent into my life so that I could be assured that God has a plan for me to experience His love in a new way someday.  There is someone out there for me who will love my spirit, my God-created feminine spirit, in the way that God intended.  And I will be patient and wait.  I am learning that if I stop striving and running toward a pain free existence, God will hold me until He that person that He has in mind comes along.  I know I don't want to be alone forever, and I think it has been a big fear of mine that I will.  I don't think God created women to live without the desire for close communion.  We are so capable of doing everything for ourselves that I think alot of times I tell myself I don't need anyone else, I can do it all.  But the truth is, that's not natural for me... it's a struggle for me to feel at peace being the sole protector, provider, teacher, etc. etc. etc.  I CAN do it... it's just not what I was created to do... women are so much more self sufficient than most men.  How did we turn out to be the "weaker" sex?  I think we are so far stronger than men it's not even a comparison.

On page 10 of Angela's book, there is a paragraph that I circled and starred, it's my personal truth, "When pretending ends and truth begins... it can actually turn out to be kind of scary.  Pretending women have become pleasers just to find some sense of acceptance.  When the props fall away, then we are left with ourselves.  I realized that I did not have any idea who I was or what my true heart desired.  I didn't know if I liked blueberries better than strawberries or vice versa.  I liked whatever was going to please most of the people in the room.  I still don't have all the answers, but I am learning to embrace the truth of my likes and longings."

The question is asked in the book, "Do you feel you can make up your mind on your own, or have you always looked to someone else to validate your thoughts?"  I can give a very real example of this... even though those who know me well would probably say that I am very strong in my opinion, the truth is that this story tells the real truth.  This last week Brian and I were having a conversation about money.  He told me that this was just the new reality of my life.  That it doesn't have to be this way, he doesn't want to be divorced, but that I walked out of our marriage and this is what it was going to look like from now on.  I could not get that out of my head.  I let that eat away at my confidence and make me doubt myself.  I asked God over and over if I am disappointing Him and letting Him down just based on that one comment from Brian.  So when I got to my counselor this week, I walked through that with her.  She had a completely different take on it, of course, she said that it's God affirming for me that Brian still hasn't changed, that he hasn't take responsibility for the damage his affair did to my heart.  He has not yet been able to admit that there was irreparable harm done to me and that this is the consequence.  But I realized during that session that I don't allow myself to feel my own feelings, I have to have buy-in from others that my feelings are "right".  I told Rainey that I felt I would never be at peace until Brian saw that he had done this and stopped blaming me for not being able to stay in an unfaithful relationship. Rainey helped me realize that I may NEVER get that... Brian may never take responsibility for defiling our marriage and breaking the vow, but that does not mean that it isn't so.  I have to learn to feel my own feelings and allow myself validity even if there isn't buy-in from others.

I wrote in my journal this year that "There is absolutely nothing going on with my passions and giftings. I'm just getting by."  (I really feel that I have completely lost my voice in all this.)  "I believe God is calling my soul awake through the longing in my heart."  What is the longing?  To be completely bare and honest, and I hesitate to even write or say this outloud because I haven't heard this specifically from God, but that He would glorify Himself and USE my pain to help others in the same situation.  I want to minister to those who are experiencing the depths of my pain.  I am not far enough on the other side yet, but that is why I have determined to capture the doubts and fears, the heartache and sorrow that I am living, all the insecurities and all the nightmares that are my reality right now, those are the things that I want to work through, heal from, and be strong enough to lock arms with other women in the future.  God has always put a desire to minister to others in my heart.  It was a natural outflow for me during all the adoption and attachment periods of my life.  Now I feel a yearning to do that for other women in this journey.  I don't think we have these desires as a result of our pain.  I think we have desires deep in our hearts as a result of things the Lord wants us to do for Him. Ephesians 2:10 "There are good works that have been prepared in advance for me to do."  God has an open position prepared for me.

I want to learn first-hand that being cherished is our naturally given longing and not something frivolous.

Can I honestly speak the words of Psalm 45:10-11 for myself?  When I can, then I will know that I am healed and as God wants me to be, "Listen daughter (Ondrea), and pay close attention.  Forget your fathers house and your past.  Let the King be enthralled with your beauty."

Enthralled = captivated, smitten, fascinated, spellbound, and delighted.

For some reason I am drawn to that word, fascinated.  God is FASCINATED with me in the same way I am fascinated with my own children?  Wow!

Page 31, "I believe that romance and passion are incredibly beautiful gifts that the Father gave us.  And the longing to be known intimately is a desire than come attached to the soul.  We don't have to be ashamed for longing to be held and loved.  It's okay to want what you were made for."  I cannot get my head around this.  I feel it's so luxurious to have these things in life and it doesn't seem Godly at all for me to want these.  It seems almost sinful and selfish to hope for this.  But if this is truth, oh how amazing that would be!

Page 38, "What we have come to call love, the yearning inside each of us to be enjoyed by someone else and give that same joy in return, is the very nature of God."  First off... wow!  It's God's nature to receive joy FROM us and to GIVE joy TO us?  I never thought of it being a reciprocal relationship with Him... I am still immature in my understanding of our Father.  But also, I have a yearning to GIVE that joy to someone and to receive that same joy!

I always assert that from this day forward I only want ALPHA men in my life.  That means someone who is strong and protects what's his.  It means someone who is protective in every way, physically (not letting physical harm come to the other person), spiritually (not allowing things into our relationship that are not Godly), emotionally (protecting my heart from doubt and fear), and intellectually (making sure I know that things are taken care of, not because things are easy or there is a bankroll of cash, but because I am not alone in decisions and well-being.)   Then affirmation came from page 41 of Angela's book... she wrote, "Has God allowed you to live many years in wallflowerdom so that in these moments he could shatter that image with powerful authority?  God's powerful authority... talk about the ultimate alpha male... God is the very representation of the alpha male, it's His image, so it's not unGodly for me to want that man, right???? See, here I am looking for affirmation of what is in my heart.  Right!

Nothing about my life has been unseen by the eyes of God... sins, struggles, fears, hopes, failures AND successes.

In praying, I am just now learning to ask for the things I want and need and expect the Lord to either lovingly provide those things for His daughter OR take the desires away from my heart.  Not all longings are of Him, but He can replace selfish longing with something He does want for me.  I ask God to send me, someday, when He is ready, a protector and defender.  I want someone in my life someday who will pray with and FOR me... I will know that God has sent the person for me when he prays over me and asks for God's protection over what's important to him.  It's not that God can only provide these things in male/female relationships for me, it's just that right now, as I go through this book, the tendency is that I am examining my marriage and on-going relationship with Brian.  My female friendships seem to be much easier for me, I seem to be able to choose healthy friendships and maintain safe boundaries with women.  It's the men that I tend to accept anything from.  I think that's a representation of my opinion of God's opinion of me.  And I want to learn that I am wrong about that opinion so that those most important relationships become more healthy, safer, and functional.

Tomorrow's lesson is called "WIll you rescue me?"  I'm dreading getting into it because I felt totally abandoned by God after Hawaii.  I begged and pleaded with Him to save my marriage and He didn't so I felt like He didn't care.  I slammed the door on dependence on Him and lost my compass.  I'm just now allowing Him space to rebuild me and allowing Him room in my heart to speak His truth.  It's a slow painful journey, but I know I have to turn to Him and ask Him the hard questions about why He did withhold His protection.  And I have to be prepared to see that this could have been protection, just not in the form I wanted it to come.